I had a hard time deciding what exactly I wanted to write for this last post of 2016. I still feel the conflict within me as to sticking with my fragile decision. I logged in just wanting to go straight into writing this because I have a set time frame to write this but then I started reading the few posts I wrote this year. It was hard for me not to look up the date they got published. It was hard not to think about what I was going through at that specific time. It was hard not to go back and still feel the words I had inside of me at those specific times. Some of it is still very fresh and I know and feel it more than other sentiments. I’ve always been a slow healer even when I take all the necessary steps. It’s hard for me to let go.
The strong urge to delete all (albeit few) posts prior to this last one was pulsing through me like new oxygen rushing through your veins after holding your breathe for as long as you can. The desire to erase my past and start clean, as if it’s ever that simple. But I’ve decided to keep it all. I’ve been trying for months to erase my past, my history, the best of times and the worst. I’m done doing that. Trying to erase one’s past doesn’t get rid of the pain, the anger, and the disappointment; all it really does is hide and stores it until you can no longer avoid it. You never really start clean. There is no “do-over” in the sense of starting fresh without any baggage. You carry that stuff with you always and everywhere, until death. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be at peace with the baggage. You can be ok with the road you’ve traversed upon. I’m ready to accept and embrace my past as part of me. I cannot be whole without it.
I had all the intentions of writing somewhere on this post “SCREW YOU 2016” and going off on this rant on how this year has been horrible to me. I really wanted that pity party. But I think all that I’m going to say about 2016 is this: “Thank You for coming.” I’m kind of emotionally exhausted of just being so focused on my scars. I like the view that comes with taking a step back. Looking at some bigger picture brings a sense of clarity and peace. It can offer a desire for acceptance. Standing so close to the picture, the scars can be interpreted as imperfections, something to get rid of or push away. Perspective does not invalidate the experience but rather can show you how it’s just as important to the overall picture as a positive experience.
So 2016, thank you for coming.
2017, I’m really looking forward to you. I’m feeling really good about you.
Onward and Forward.