Social Ineptitude

I don’t socialize well if I can be frank.

If I have to, sure I can put on my extroverted hat on and act my way through a social situation but that’s about it.

I’ve come to realize that I can’t seem to be able to build deep relationships. I don’t really know how to make new relationships also. My current social skills are at an all time low. Luckily for me, I think it’s bottomed out so at least for the time being they most likely will not get worse.

I just have a hard time expressing myself to people. Not just strangers but people I actually value and hold dear in my life. I just feel like I’m trapped inside a room with windows. I can see perfectly the outside but I can’t seem to open the door to let others in or let me out. In my head and my heart I have the intention to talk and create bonds but when the time comes I can’t seem to open my mouth. Or if I do it something mundane and generic comes out which just fills the time that person enters the room and vacates it.

I see the importance of communicating with others. Growth between people only occurs when we communicate our ideas and emotions. Communication allows for us to be there for others. I really do want to communicate and partake in fellowship and community. I see the desire other people have for me to open up. I have this desire as well. I just don’t know how, or at least remain incapable of doing so. This bothers me. It bothers me a quite a bit to be honest.

Unfortunately, I’ve also grown accustomed to my hermit behavior. Though that could be due to my battle with low self-esteem and depression. The past 2 years have really showed me how important mental health is. One’s social situation, as well as one’s perception of oneself, can have a profound effect on one’s mental health. When you’ve been down on your luck for a while it can be hard to break the cycle.

To be completely honest, writing this out was more for me than anything else. It’s a lot less confusing once I put things to paper, or on the web in this case.

I am a work in progress.

I know I’m a bit socially awkward to converse with. I have a lot of quirks and I think I’m funny but only because I’m the only one who gets the jokes half of the time. I also have this bad habit of talking but looking up or down. I seem to be always nervous because either I’m scratching myself or some part of me is moving during the interaction. I literally this inner dialogue with myself whether this or that is an appropriate statement or topic for the current situation. I also have the extremely bad habit of muttering my words.

I am a work in progress.

Will I ever get there? Who knows.

I will try though. You just never know when things will change.

I really want to make sure I’m plugged in and experiencing the amazing events that are currently happening. My brother is going to get married in October. I’m really excited for him and my future sister-in-law. I really want to make sure I’m all there these next few months because things will be different once they are married and living together.

I want to completely enjoy my life. I want to live a healthy life. I want to live a fulfilled life. I whole life.

I am a work in progress.


[ Back in the LiveJournal days, you had the opportunity to put down what you were listening to while you wrote your post.

I’m really digging this musical piece “The Carnival of Animals” by Camille Saint-Saens. More specifically, I really dig “The Swam” movement. Highly recommend it.]

This entry was published on February 22, 2017 at 4:27 pm. It’s filed under 2017, Art, communication, community, Life, mental health, music recommendation, reflection, self expression struggles, Self Therapy, social skills and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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