She woke up with this feeling in her gut. Something was wrong. She didn’t quite know what it was but it was enough for her to know something is not right. She runs her fingers through her hair, anxiously trying to answer the question that has been plaguing her since she woke up. That question that has been lying beneath the conscious for the past few months. She had hoped that by now it would have disappeared but unfortunately that was not the case. Week after week she fought the urge to dive into the situation with some success. I guess the dam finally broke. All those fears and that one simple question finally stood before. She was paralyzed. She knew she could no longer hide the fact that opposite of her was herself. It was her own doubt and fear.
“I know why you are here” she told doubt and fear.
“Then you know why this needs to happen,” replied doubt and fear.
“You can no longer avoid this. You can no longer avoid me. Because if you haven’t noticed, I am you,” said doubt and fear.
Doubt and fear had her where they wanted. She knew that. The paralysis had not rubbed off. She still couldn’t move. As if she wanted to anyways. The time for running away was over and she knew it. Inhale. Exhale. Her breathing is picking up. She once read somewhere that taking full breaths calmed oneself down. In most cases it would but this wasn’t one of those. Her breathing takes a frantic turn. It soon becomes just as much of a cause for her anxiety as fear and doubt itself. Her thoughts are bouncing everywhere. She tries to grasp them but they move too quickly for her.
“I can’t deal with this right now. I just can’t. Everything is fine. I am fine. Sure things are not how I want them but who can say that they always get what they want? I’ve got something good going right now. I am not going to throw all of that away just because I am not happy!” she said to herself.
Silence. Her breathing slows down. Her muscles loosen up. The paralysis is gone. She walks over to her mirror. She stares up. “I am not happy,” she repeats. Those green eyes that had looked dim for months now all of a sudden begin to brighten just a bit. The truth is out.
She takes a deep breath. Exhale. She wipes the tears coming down her cheeks. She tries to compose herself once again with another deep breath. Staring endlessly into the mirror, at herself, she knows what happens next. It might not be pretty and it might not be what she wanted at one point but it’s what she needs now. “You can do this. You need to do this. You cannot live like this anymore”, she tells herself. There arises in her this fire in her eyes. This sheer determination to do what must be done in order to out of the situation she currently is. She looks ready to conquer the world. Then that confidence slowly faded away with the realization that in order to get what she truly wanted, she had to let go of things that would only obstruct her. To some extent this meant that she needed to leave behind a certain level of comfort. She needs to leave behind a good portion of what she has known.
“I can do this. I can do this”, she halfheartedly tells herself.
“You can do this Rebecca. You need to do this. It’s the right thing to do. Sure it’s scary but it’s what is best”, she says.
She recalls all the positive memories she’s experienced and gives a warm smile. She jumps from memory to memory thinking fondly of each, until she regains the courage she had just a few minutes ago. Time was up. She tied her hair back, picked up her phone, and raced through the door.